1/15/26 & 1/16/26: I got dumped and then saw a dead body on the same day.
1/15/26
Words are sounds with meaning. Silence is also laden with meaning. But what if meaning didn’t exist? Then words are just sounds and silence is just silence.
My thoughts at 6:32 a.m. wander into uncertain rooms filled with anxious, pacing creatures that keep whispering in my ear. Fear fills these rooms adeptly.
Reddit says it prefers decisions made from clarity rather than crisis. I prefer this too Reddit.
Once on a hike with a friend we were way up among the trees. Our view ahead and below us was a vast terrain winding into hillsides of flora and fauna, scattered houses, and the sounds of scampering animals. A serene sunset was about to fall on us and we started talking about how silence doesn’t really exist. “Not really ever if you think about it”. I had mentioned a moment before this, when we were deeper in the woods, how I should’ve brought a hairbrush with me to brush all the hairy beard lichen on all the trees. We both had a laugh. I noticed more beard lichen that day than I ever had before (and probably ever will again). This friend moved to Chicago and we didn’t stay in touch.
1/16/26
I like thinking about Alternate Universe Samantha. Is she happy?
There’s an alternate universe where she’s currently dating someone she really likes and connects with. Someone she felt seen by right away, and someone who was so incredibly easy to talk with. Someone she felt safe with immediately and who made her laugh. And made her happy. Someone gentle and thoughtful and intelligent. Someone who would soon become her boyfriend, because in this particular universe Samantha is a lucky son of a bitch.
I got rejected today by a guy I’d been dating for three months, and a few hours later I saw a dead human body on the side of the road. They were in a 50mph zone, partly sticking out into the road so cars had to swerve to avoid hitting them. I had just bought him (the dumper, not the dead body) expensive, fancy coffee as a present, which shows how oblivious I was to the imminent rejection. He’d make me espresso in the morning after I stayed over at his place. Having someone make me coffee felt so luxurious.
Honestly, the whole time I was dating him I was having stronger feelings for someone else who I felt was very compatible with me, and whose company I felt comforted from, and whose presence elicited so much joy for me. Someone who, when I wasn’t with them, I really, really wanted to be with them. And when I kissed them, all I wanted to do was kiss them. Sounds simple enough, but of course it’s not.
In order to avoid dating chaos and heartbreak, I’ve been thinking a lot today about becoming a celibate nun. Or maybe a celibate monk instead, since I’m not really into Catholicism. You can quote me on that. Samantha: “I’m not really into Catholicism”.
I scratched the back of the guy who dumped me. Multiple back scratches. The phrase “I have so much love to give” is so dorky, but I do, and I want to give it to the right person for once, and have it be fully reciprocated.
I have figured out that signing up for ceramics classes is the answer to absolutely everything in life.
I’ve been wondering if playing the Space Lady’s Greatest Hits album over and over again physically changes one’s brain at all. I’ve been playing it for my mom a ton recently to help her go to sleep when her cancer drugs are making her feel especially icky, and a nap is needed. I’d love to see a scientific study about this that involves brain scans. Like, does the brain morph into a freaky lil’ dancing creature or something? That’s what I imagine happens eventually.