3/15/26: An off-balance Sunday

3/15/26

It's Sunday and I'm in open studio hours and I'm as happy as a clam. I stroll up to the wheel all confident. Cocky. And guess what? The clay did in fact know my head was getting too big and it needed to humble me. 

I immediately had such trouble centering after thinking the other day how bomb I was at centering 1.5 lbs. Twice in a row no centering was happening and it was a disaster. In the end I threw a bowl and a handle-free cup. Had to stand up first and step outside and shake off the unable-to-center jitters. Then I was okay. I just re-approached things super slowly and focused on breathing once I sat back down. I think that another beginner wheel throwing class might actually be advantageous before jumping into the intermediate one.

I've been trying out this new thing where I have no expectations. I have small moments of actually achieving this and it's the most calming feeling. Theoretically, if you somehow sustained this no-expectations approach then you'd experience no suffering.

Naturally, this line of thinking leads me to Reddit. People's opinions on Buddhism are vast. More specifically, their opinions on expectations, desires, and suffering. 

 

"However, expectation, which often follows desire, is where potential suffering arises." 

"Could it be that the issue isn't with desiring something but with our attachment to how we believe it should unfold? When we desire without clinging to specific outcomes, when we acknowledge that the universe may respond in unexpected ways, we find peace in the process itself. Doesn't this idea suggest that expectation, rather than desire, is what truly leads to suffering? How do we reconcile the Buddhist perspective that all desire causes suffering with the observable fact that many forms of desire inspire positive transformation? So, what if instead of trying to eliminate desire, we focus on releasing attachment to the end result?"

"It is possible to desire something without expecting a specific outcome, or without attaching your happiness or well-being to that outcome. For example, you may desire a good relationship, but suffering arises not from the desire itself but from the expectation that the relationship will go exactly as you envision it. If the expectation isn't met, suffering follows, not merely from desiring the relationship. Expectation introduces attachment and rigidity. Expectation adds a layer of attachment and control." 

I hoped for something fairly recently in my life to go a certain way. I envisioned it going a certain way because I'm a hopeful romantic and, against all odds, two people meant to be together are just meant to be together, right?

I don't think the desire to be with someone who was thoughtful and soft spoken and had a soft, kind heart, and made me laugh, and made me feel seen and comforted, and all these other ineffably delicious things, is inherently a bad thing that caused me suffering. I think desiring this in my life is a very positive thing, in fact.

 

I did trimming on one cup. And waxed and dip glazed two pieces. Got to get the underglaze pencil out for the one piece before dipping it.

Feel like I'm finding a nice pottery flow. It's about showing up everyday for it.

 

Sometimes I get this intense wave of longing that seeps into my whole body. It seeps in and tries to settle in and not leave. Then I remember I skipped swimming again this week. I always feel so out-of-whack when I don't swim.

 

My mom hasn't been doing too well. The cancer drugs are intense. Lately they've been making her vomit more. I wish I had someone helping me through all of this.

I was at the clay studio the other day and had to rush back in a panic because she called me mid-vomit and had the same frighteningly sick, lightheaded-and-about-to-faint tone in her voice. It's a moment she's been having a lot lately, and if you don't do the exact right thing she will faint and it's quite scary. We ended up in the E.R. one time and it was one of the scariest moments of my life. She had fainted and was vomiting while unconscious and I was holding up her whole body weight and I thought she was dying. 

 

It's the Oscars. When this time rolls around I always think of my childhood cat Oscar and, in my mind, I superimpose his cute cat face onto all the actor's faces. It's a much better ceremony this way.

 

Sometimes I think there's either a super depressed goth, a melancholy clown, or an exhausted, nihilistic sad-sack living inside me pulling all the levers.

 

Here's exactly what you've been waiting for: a cancer haiku. 

I want you to go

I want you to die now please

I want you to rot 

It's both from the perspective of the person infected and the cancer. If you think about it, they both want the same thing of each other: "go away!" 

It's also probably a haiku that's been written about an ex after a bad breakup. A really bad one.

I somehow stumbled onto a Reddit thread about dating as it pertains to astrological signs. Someone had a hilariously scathing thing to say about dating my sign, a Sagittarius: "The worst relationship from hell I've ever been a part of. I would rather swallow nails drenched in gasoline and set on fire, then be back with a Sagittarius. I would rather pull my toe nails off 1 by 1 before I'm ever with a Sagittarius again!" People into astrology don't usually use such violent language. Violent, but pretty creative. 

 

I really crave normalcy and stability after 2.5 years of cancer chaos. I'm sick of my mom having to continue to go through this. It's just dragging on and on and on and on. It's ceaseless nature has been a nightmare. I cling to any and all bright spots in my life. Both the ones that seem to show up randomly and the one's I create for myself.