3/17/26 & 3/18/26: The 20 minute miracle nap.

3/17/26

The internet is a naturally embarrassing place.

(Maybe I should embroider that on a pillow).

There's this thing about life I noticed that I enjoy. Even when everything is awful, if you look close enough, there's always this spark of such possibility in the air. Zig-zagging and popping off wildly in every direction. Popping like popcorn, all fresh and delicious. I can always feel it just right there, enmeshed and vibrating throughout everything. Brimming.

I woke up around 4 a.m. this time. It's now 6:28 a.m. I just penned a text I'm not going to send to a person that I still think about. They're stuck to my brain like a dream that won't melt. I can't seem to shake the feelings I have for them. What I do understand, among much that I don't, is that they felt right for me and all I wanted was to get to spend time with them and get to look at their face. They have a great face. It didn't feel complicated when we were together. I wish I knew exactly what they were thinking at all times throughout it all. I'm a relationship anthropologist making field notes for the paper I'll write on my findings: Exactly What They Were Thinking - The Circumference of His Thoughts. 

I'm taking my mom to an EKG appointment at a hospital in Walnut Creek today. It's at a disgustingly early hour: 8:30 a.m. It's required as part of her cancer trial.

 

The drive to the hospital is pleasant with its plethora of lush foliage. I share two new James Blake songs I love with my mom off his new album. I know she likes him.

 

There's an empty box in the room where the technician is doing the EKG on my mom. The empty box has written on it please empty daily. What if you emptied your brain daily? Not emptied of memories and all the deeply laden bits strewn uniquely throughout every crevice that makes you you. Just emptied of the busy-brain anxiety tid-bits and all that extra noise (what I call chaos static).  

 

Empty. I like pondering seemingly simple concepts like empty v. full, fast v. slow, silence v. noise. There's graffiti in my neighborhood that takes up the whole front of a building's wall. It says SILENT in huge gray letters outlined in black. 

On my drive to a different hospital later in the day I see someone getting in their car with a t-shirt that says, "Check Your Ego Amigo". 

The miracle of all miracles happened today: I took a 20 minute nap. I never take naps. It felt fucking incredible. I felt powerful. The feeling was short-lived, though.

After I picked up my nerikomi pieces from the nearby studio and got done with my evening surface design class, I got in the car and, instantaneously, this crashing-down tired feeling sunk down all the way through my bones and every part of my spirit. That deep tired feeling keeps chasing me down. Lately the cut-up sleep and altogether sleepless nights have really been catching up with me. I have never felt more deeply tired in my life. 

3/18/26

I’m slowly blowing out my ears with how loud I listen to music and I kind of don’t want to stop even though I know it’s happening. When I'm really, truly exhausted I just kind of stop giving a shit about a ton of things I usually do. Being so tired is getting old. 

 

I'm working on a painting tonight on linen. I'm working on the floor. When I take my headphones off I can hear the faint sound of zombie groans coming from the television.

Everything is such a delicate ecosystem. Miraculously I'm going with the flow, even if I'm sad sometimes.