4/12/26 & 4/13/26: Wildflowers judge me.
4/12/26
What I noticed today:
~Two strawberries embracing in a moldy moment.
~A daddy long legs spider crawling on the spray bottle of Scrubbing Bubbles in the bathroom.
Every website has cookies these days but they never specify which kind. I like ones with chocolate chips and macadamia nuts. Oatmeal, too. Also, every kind.
4/13/26
Sometimes while I’m thinking all my pesky thoughts I find myself immediately analyzing the mechanics of them and how I got there. It feels peculiar to do this. It's like I'm stepping outside of my brain and taking a peak at it. I can observe how many of my ways of thinking are self-sabotaging.
I signed up for the summer class I need. It was easy.
I don’t like being trapped inside the Gregorian calendar. Some days it especially feels like a trap.
I had a dream about someone the other night. It was super vivid and I didn’t want to wake up because I haven’t seen them in awhile, and it felt so good to see them again. The number 118 showed up quite clearly in the dream in the form of numbers on a door I was knocking on.
I wrote another poem:
Wildflowers judge me
Tossed inside the aggressively thick
bubble of discombobulation like a
bad salad.
I can’t see clearly
so I lay down
In my field of loneliness,
and I wrap up in a blanket,
unclear.
I try to be zen
among the wildflowers
but they know I’m not,
and they judge me.
I try to be ok
but I want to jump
backwards in a time warp,
and I’m not ok.
I’m not a
wild
flower.
I was thinking whether or not I've ever had squash for breakfast before. A warm squash baked in the oven with melted butter and salt and roasted pumpkin seeds on it actually sounds like an extremely delicious breakfast to me right now.
I tend to isolate when I'm depressed, which I guess is Depression 101. I can see how I'm making the decisions to do so, and yet I keep doing so. Maybe I just want to self-isolate for awhile. Shut everything off around me for awhile. Pretend things are okay and calm and the chaos isn't ever-present. I just get overwhelmed sometimes.
My new favorite word is simulacrum. It means a representation of a person (especially in the form of sculpture). Synonyms: effigy, image.
I enjoy pondering the alchemy between people. All relationships are a playing-out of a unique alchemy that often feels ineffable.
I find it curious how time is currently measured out in my life:
~The 1/4 mg of Ativan at a time my mom takes throughout the day, especially on bad days.
~The pills in the morning and evenings she takes. And the eye drops I put in, now only in the mornings. On better days she can do the eye drops herself.
~The non-time that disease creates in your life. Blob time: slow, treacherously deep, and seemingly endless. It feels like you’re in quick-sand that's never-ending but it’s all gooey.
~1 finished black pen drawing (Sakura Micron 01).
~The moments I’m deep into working on my ceramics and time is irrelevant. Gregorian and his calendar have no place in Pottery Land.
I still can hardly believe I found clay and that it changed my life so deeply. It changes how I look at life as a whole. How I move through it. It feels like something in my blood is different now. I’m more myself now.
~How long ago did I make that rice or pasta (or whatever the left-over dish is at the moment)?
~Open studio hours M-Thurs 2:00pm-8:30pm & Sun: noon-5pm…until I’m a member for a month and then it’s 7 a.m. - 11 p.m. everyday.
~The days until my online summer class begins.
~The time in a day that it takes me to finish my green thermos of coffee. It’s a many-hour beverage.
~The time it takes me to finish a very intricate mixed-media painting.
~The time it has taken me to finish the jumpsuit I’m making for myself. I started it in January and have yet to finish it. I'm highly judgemental of myself when I don't finish projects in a timely manner. I'm trying not to be. There's just a part of me that wishes my creativity was a tad on the speedier side.