4/24/26 - 4/29/26: A strawberry popsicle in the shower at 11 p.m.

4/24/26

I can have grace and manage to be calm in the face of what little control I have and how utterly powerless I feel, floating through the whims of chaos, getting whiplash.

Some days, though, I have no grace. 

4/25/26

"Let us save you the trip" is now written on the side of Amazon delivery trucks. Hell no. The whole point is the trip.

 

I can't listen to the Severance theme song without meowing along with it. I haven't done this in front of anyone yet. It's just been me alone in the car meowing.

 

There is nothing better than a strawberry popsicle in the shower at 11 p.m.

4/26/26

I miss him. His company.

 

I have a mosaic event at my studio today. All the members are working on a mosaic sign for the studio together. I've been wanting to try mosaic. 

Some days lately it feels like I've given up on life. Which isn't like me, but it's where my head's been at. It's easy to think "what did I do to deserve this?" when everything goes to shit. Many people have come and gone in my life through dating, but only one departure has had a lasting sting and is making me sad.

 

Mosaic day was full of laughter and salty lime chips and piggy back rides from my friend. I also got spun around by them. Piggy back rides really light up my life. It was a joyous time.

It took forever but we all managed to finish the sign for the studio! It was a huge undertaking. It just has to be grouted now. I also made my own little mosaic, as well. It also needs to be grouted.

4/28/26

I just woke up at 4 a.m. yet again.

Possible solutions to help my crappy sleep:

-Take 3 melatonin instead of just 2.

-Drink less coffee.

-Get my cat Gothmog finally.

 

It feels incredibly exciting to finally have made a friend through clay. I'm always nervous about friendship because it's so meaningful to me and I don't want to screw it up. "Just chill Samantha" I say to myself. Everything's good.

4/28/26

First poem today:

 

In a quiet field

whispers

are felt as hurricanes.

What happens

to a tooth

ache

or a heart

ache

deeply elongated

and displayed?

 

A deep-fried gesture

flayed, forgotten

and dwindling.

Second one:

She's my lil' witch in my side pocket

I'm her jerk,

her cartwheel,

a cutie.

A daisie

and a five leaf clover.

You're my valentine

in a thunderstorm,

I'm your dream

in all weather.

4/29/26

4:30 a.m.: I wake up and think "why the fuck are you awake right now?" 

 

I don't think I can date right now. I've been under this dark cloud lately and it's starting to feel like I'm destined to be alone.

Feeling hopeful about him still, months later, protects me I think from feeling all the hurt. I don't want to feel it all. 

 

There's something about this moment in the timeline of my mom's cancer treatment where both of us have sort of hit this wall of utter exhaustion. 

 

I'm thinking about him this morning. Why was I even made aware of his existence and that we get along like two peas in a pod and that holding his hand calms my whole nervous system? What tortuous knowledge when I can't be with him. I was made aware that I can find a rare connection with someone and it can still go to shit. I'm too sensitive for all this. This really got me. It threw me.

 

I think I need to prioritize adopting Gothmog, not dating.

 

I'm at this beginning stage of starting my business up again where I'm kind of losing hope that it'll even work again, and how can it if I'm just so damn tired all the time?

 

And yet, I still somehow remain hopeful. About my mom recovering, about my love life, my career, my new friendships, and about cat adoption. Where does this hope come from? I have no earthly idea.

 

It's a tall order, but I'm going to try and go back to sleep now and not fret. 

4/29/26

I made oatmeal cookies, meatballs, and a grated carrot salad this week. 

 

I felt at home in my clay studio tonight. It was a deeply peaceful feeling. I'm lucky that I found this space. It feels special.