5/29/26 - 5/31/26 : hot flowers & hungry snakes
5/29/26
4:06 à.m.:
This is such an unsettling pocket of time. I exist in a fragile hope lately. I'm trying to protect myself from spiraling into a messy panic attack of despair. The hope is a skin of protection to keep despair at bay. On a good day, to kill despair outright. At it's strongest, hope is me deeply feeling like all of this is going to work: the radiation and the new treatment we’ll be doing afterward.
Why do certain people come into our lives and have such a profound effect on us? Why do certain people feel unexplainably right for us and others just don’t? Why do we have to miss people?
Everything feels so extraordinarily fragile and I’m just really grateful for all the little things that actually go right in my life.
Things have been hitting me like a ton of bricks this year. Other than someone I had feelings for suddenly disappearing from my life, it’s the metastasis of my mom’s cancer that’s hit hardest. Where do these fearful feelings go in the body? I keep trying to sit in the feelings and let myself fully feel them but it’s too much. I’d like to map them out in a painting.
I might stop drinking coffee. Is that crazy?
I really love my plants.
I really can’t wait to start teaching. When I hear people are art teachers I get insanely jealous. I desperately wish I had pursued this earlier in my life and wish it hadn't taken me so long to figure out it's what I wanted.
After someone almost hit me in their car just now they rolled down their window to yell "are you blind?"
Possible responses:
1. Yes, I am.
2. The finger (classic)
3. The peace sign (great alternative gesture when someone’s expecting the finger).
4. Are you?
5. Wow, you're a great driver. (Add a thumbs up to this for extra sarcasm. Sarcasm can be a fun choice.)
6. Fuck you. (Another classic.)
7. A look that says you’re an absolute idiot without saying it.
8. No reaction. Simply be aware they're a total fucking asshole and move forward. You can even go so far as to have empathy for the incurable, stage 4, Total-Fucking-Asshole Disease they struggle with internally, day to day. If you're wondering if you have it yourself, a very glaring symptom of Total-Fucking-Asshole Disease is yelling "are you blind?" to someone you almost hit in your car.
5/30/26
It’s Saturday. I spent most of today repotting plants into bigger planters and falling in love with all the plants. I need a much bigger pot for one of the largest plants. It wants to get even bigger in a bigger pot. Now I have a motivating reason to learn how to throw super large on the wheel. I’m still getting good at throwing small things, though. And throwing super large vessels feels intimidating, but I'm really wanting to get good at it. It's a goal.
The soil felt like something that’s been missing in my life.
5/31/26
I didn’t drink coffee yesterday. My head was mainly in plant land. I ran out to get more planters for the rest of the cacti and the aloe. I slept easily without melatonin and didn’t wake up at all which is an utter miracle. No coffee and walks among trees are now my go-to sleep aids. Sometimes solutions are simple.
Poem time (x2):
5/16/26
Hot Flowers
He’s softer than a possibility
but thicker than confusion.
He’s spreading out into thin air, ghostly
and falling back toward me,
brick by brick sweating into
us as two people building
and gliding, solidified.
The kissing was only simple like hot flowers in bloom.
5/31/26
Hungry Snake
I feel sorrow in my spine.
It burrows inside
like a hungry snake.
Its scales aflame with soft
sacrifice.
That’s what
love is.
I randomly read some clinical articles again today on mucosal melanoma (FYI: This bummed out Spellcheck so much that it autocorrected to musical melanoma.). These types of articles are written with such coldness that they deflate my hope and inflate my depression. Hope is warm and doesn’t flourish in coldness.