7/16/26: Emotionally I'm the 'w' key.
7/16/26
The 'w' on my keyboard is having difficulty. Emotionally I'm the 'w' key.
I'll try to rite certain ords and it just on't ork. The ords look funny hen they're missing their much needed 'w'.
Depression sets in this time all slow but still gross and treacherous. It crawls inside and it's just there. It feels like it might not leave for awhile this time. Immunotherapy goes hand-in-hand with deep depression. It's isolating as fuck. Cancer may kill but it's arch nemesis, immunotherapy, also tries it's darnedest to, as well.
I just had an idea. What if the people that hurt me are in my thoughts in a positive way? What if I'm actually hoping for the best for them and hoping they're happy (and not just saying it and not meaning it)? What would that be like? Like, for example, what if I wished only the best things for the guy I recently had feelings for but who stopped talking to me back in January? I do actually genuinely wish good things for them. Really good things. And I admit, I do still miss them. Some people feel absolutely impossible to forget. My soft heart really latched onto the comfort I felt with them. Being around them was fucking fantastic. I never imagined it ending. It didn't feel right when it did. I wonder if I'm out of his system yet. If he's forgotten about me. Maybe that's silly to ponder. And unpleasant. I don't want to ponder it, actually. I like to focus on the comfort and connection of it all. And personally, I don't want them to leave my mind. I like that they had such an effect on me and that they still swirl around my mind like extra caramel in a macchiato.
In other news, I can't stop making vases. I was too tired to today, though. I'm working my way toward a giant neck and open-head sculpture with crazy stuff emerging from the opening. Or maybe the head has a lid. I wish my real one did. I'd open it up and give my brain a nice mixing with my hands like I'm making cookies, and slosh it around, try to work out all those glaring kinks; all those wrinkled-up weird spots. Everyone could probably use a good 'ol sloshing every once in awhile.
I'm considering never allowing my heart to feel hopeful about anyone ever again. My incredibly stupid, hopeful heart. I suppose to a lot of people I'm just a blip to be forgotten. A mistake, or a disappearing memory.