7/19/26: Sunday clay day + emo p.o.v. + Mr. 2-Face
7/19/26
Not sleeping, and making huge vases in isolation is my thing now I guess.
Life is total chaos and I’m a mess and I can't stop nervously picking my lip.
In bed this is my main, more palatable thought that isn't related to my mom possibly dying (which is mainly where my thoughts go): “You're going to die alone with no career.” I need to get contacts so I can start wearing my dark-as-the-night, checkerboard sunglasses to go along with my emo p.o.v.
Clay might be the most important thing in life. Don’t get me wrong, drawing, textiles and paint are also the most important things in life. But clay? It’s all I want to do. I have not found enjoyment in the photographing of it yet, though.
Being in a forced, illness-induced isolation since the immunotherapy started recently has felt impossible this time around. I already did this style of isolation when my mom first did immunotherapy two years ago and it was hell.
At least I got to hit up the pharmacy and library yesterday and be among actual people.
Today is Sunday clay day and that's all that matters to me right now. There's a giant bowl I made last night on the banding wheel that I have to remove. Maybe I'll start with another giant bowl. Or maybe today I'll go the creature route.
It feels like quite a revelation when you realize none of this is about the outcome. I heard for so long how life is all about the process, it's all about the process. "Find the joy in the process" they say. As an innately and annoyingly competitive person (a quality I find, more often than not, gets in the way of joy), this realization took quite awhile to fully embrace. This is not to say that I don't still get dementedly obsessed with outcomes.
My most crowning achievement during today's Sunday clay day is a sculpture I'm calling Mr. 2-Face. I'm pretty sure he could use his ears as wings and take flight with the birds. I'm guessing he might scare the birds, though:
